What should I do next?

「俺は次何をしたらいいだろう？」

He gave me time

When my mind's confused, He gave me time. Thank You. :)

I won't be having a doze of confusion until Monday. It's weird, but not seeing that person today feels relieving... even though the truth is that I really really really want to get a dose of that...person. :))

God, why do I have a feeling that You're up to something? :)

OHSHIIIZZZ

Nakitai

I want to cry. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.
Hindi ako malungkot. Or malungkot ako pero hindi ko pa narerealize? I think I'm confused. Ewan. Parang nababaliw ako. Andami0daming kong iniisip na in the end, hindi ko rin alam kung anong ginagawa ko/ anong ginagawa ko.

I have a family(or should I say 'families') here. I have friends. And they care for me more than I expect them to. I'm having great experiences, and I am aware that I am lucky to do these things that others probably won't be able to experience.

PERO BAKIT? ANONG MERON? HINDI KO ALAM. Pagod lang ba ako?
HIndi ako malungkot, that's for sure. I know deep inside me that I'm not sad.

But, I really, REALLY want to cry. The tears won't just come out in front of these people. I keep holding them back whether I'm alone or with the people around me.

Biotech

I haven’t told anyone about how it feels working inside the laboratory, wearing that long and white laboratory gown. I’ve worn a lab gown before, but never for real. Here, using that lab gown feels so real. I have found my personal meaning and image of a laboratory gown.

Working inside the laboratory feels draining, sad, limited, and intelligent at the same time. I get this ‘genius’ aura from my classmates whenever we do some experiments, and honestly I hate it because I need to keep up with them.(silent smile) Doing some experiments for hours really drains me, and I honestly hated that room where we conduct some tissue culture. It’s so small, and there’s this sound coming from the air conditioner…a sound that makes you feel your soul is being sucked and lets it linger inside the room. It’s a room where everyone suddenly becomes quiet because everyone’s getting busy with the work(and probably, talking increases the chance of contamination o.o ).

After that, you’ll be cleaning the utensils used. My hand is usually soaked with ionized water. Watching them wash the test tubes and cans, I wonder if washing those feel like just washing the normal dishes and glasses at home. I’ve done it some times, but it felt…weird…I never got used to washing them. Every time I wash them, it feels like I’ve done it for the first time.

I remember being able to breathe freely after General Science I. I’ve been doing the same after going out of the Bio Lab. I know that it’s probably cleaner and sanitized inside the lab, but still, I appreciate the outside air more. :))

I love the lab because I get to talk with my senpais and classmates more. I love the lab because it’s fulfilling to see the plants we’ve cultured grow. Those are some of the reasons why I love the lab. When I realize how I like the lab, I’ll suddenly have a reason to hate it again— it’s when my hair would smell of ionized water and culture at the same time(not to mention I have to wait for the evening to wash my hair…).

Wanna do these together? :3

November entered with a whole lot of schedule coming along. From the very start of the month, it has been considerably busy, still, I got a day—yes, a day— to rest, so far.

Seta Norin held its Cultural Festival, so we had been preparing since last month. Like normal students, we crammed and had lots of last-minute preparations. Other classes had their set-ups posted a week before the fair, we posted ours a day before the fair. Of course, not all of them have been completed, so we were still working on some preparations on the actual day of the fair.

I wasn’t able to enjoy neither the first nor the second day of the fair. The first day was busy, like I mentioned, we we’re still preparing on the first day so going around to see other’s works was impossible. On the second day, I was supposed to be on duty during the afternoon. But, since the other foreign students and I joined the prefectural marathon, we took up time. I was supposed to be back at school at around 1, we ended up going to school at around 2. The fair was supposed to end at 2.30, so basically the other foreign students did not have the chance to see Seta No’s fair, too. (I guess they enjoyed it though. They were able to see their ex-classmates and friends, though.:)) )

Thursday was a holiday for Seta No, so I got to rest whole day. I “studied” for the upcoming J-test, though.

Friday was the usual school. Saturday was unusual, though. I was having second thoughts on going to a city called Takasaki(by train, about 30 minutes away from where I live) to attend to my Calligraphy Club commitment. :)) It was a day before the Japanese Test, so I really doubted if I could come. I did go. And I don’t doubt it. Something good really happened. (I was able to see someone who I wanted to see since June. We weren’t able to talk again, though. :D) Other than that, I got a piece of REAL Japanese choir…a decent singing, and others.:3

Today, we had our Japanese Test. I really can’t evaluate whether I would pass or not, but I did my best. And the test wasn’t that hard, either. We’ll be waiting for the results on December 6(Happy birthday, Jan! Tama ba? :)) )

2 worries down, I-don’t-know-how-much-more to go! :) This week’s gonna be a GO!, though. :))

Monday- SCHOOL D:< Looking forward to the 3-hour Biotech class…a time to feel my senpais’ love. :))Being with them makes Biotech class happier, hahahaha :D

Tuesday- ANOTHER MARATHON TO RUN. D:< This time, Seta Norin’s marathon. I don’t plan on walking, that’s for sure. I was able to run on the first marathon, so I HOPE, it’s okay the second time. :)) After the marathon, some kind of ‘harvest festival’! A barbecue parteeeey :3…we’ll be eating Seta No’s vegetables, hahahaha :DD Looking forward to this, rather than the marathon, hahaha! (Maybe we should consider having a marathon once a year in Rural High, too? Whattya think? )

Wednesday- Haven’t been well-informed on what to do this day, but I (or with other Seta Norin students, too? Definitely not with other foreign students though. They said this is Seta Norin’s activity.) will go to an elementary school during the afternoon. (Can I bring home one kid? Hahahaha! :D)

Thursday- Rehearsal thing for a fair the following day

Friday- FAIR

Saturday- FAIR

So, after a hectic week, I’ll be sleeping whole day on Sunday. Unless my mother forbids it.:))

I’m planning to take it day by day, though. I’ll do my best; I’ll survive. :)

I have to breathe

This run's still not finished yet-- though it nearly is. There's still lots of checkpoints I should be passing through. I've reached half, but not yet. I'd have to patient. WE have to be patient.

I've been running from the starting line. Run, run, and run even though my feet hurts...even though I keep feeling a little dizzy. But for now,after quite a long run, I have to breathe.

Maybe this run's a little long? Or maybe somewhere along the road, I forgot something. I forgot why I'm running. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want.

Despite those thoughts, happy moments came along the road. And I'm sure, ahead of me, there awaits a lot more experiences, challenges, and sacrifices. With these, I'll learn for sure.

I'll take it slowly for now. I want to find that missing thing bothering me right now. I need to breathe,because I've been running for a while.

I'd have to breathe, but no plans on looking back. I can't return and quit. I'd have to circle the world to go back to the path I just took.



I want to take a break and find what I'm looking for right now. I want to find it quickly so I'll feel satisfied and relieved to run again.